March 2011 - Cum dine with me

Let’s face it, there’s nothing better in life than amazing head. Not only is receiving good head unreal, but being able to say you’re a wizard at the old cunning linguistics is one of the greatest life time achievements you’ll probably ever receive -it even surprisingly tops receiving the Bad Sex award, that’s a fact. If you’re not quite there yet in the prestigious and highly pretentious club of epic head-bashers, let’s pray that in a few weeks/months/years you’ll finally pull the trigger and hit the jackpot downtown. If not, you should maybe think about topping yourself now. Or just read this bible religiously until you can preach it backwards in Hebrew whilst hanging upside down. That is actually pretty impressive and if you can do this it will instantly make your desired other come in their pants in a flash. 

On the other hand, you might be amazing at blowing the horn, but your receiver isn’t quite up for it and is in need of a little temptation from - quite literally - the fruit of the Gods. If anything, this little dilemma gets swung around on itself in the biggest and best U-turn of your life; who said oral sex was selfish? You get to eat cream while you eat her as she creams. Two birds, one stone? 

Most guys like to walk around with a neon sign on their head flashing the words “I can Rambo your fanny in an instant”, thinking it will make us want to drop our knickers on the middle of the central line. In reality - and outside of their heads - they need to read our signs for anything good to happen, Rambo or not.  Us girls have a knack of knowing whether or not Mr. Big is down for going down or whether it is purely a begrudged returned favor after blowjob week. 

So, Sylvester Stallone needs to take full charge with his ammo and prove he’s up for drinking from the furry cup, is spitting feathers and cannot wait a millisecond longer to reach your fountains of gold. Once there he has to assure you that despite his macho nature, you are a delicate fruit that has to be sucked, licked and delicately cherished. Imagine eating a peach in front of the Queen, he’d have to be careful, cautious of drips, and think about any slurping sound effects. You are the bearer of a fruit salad containing many a passion fruit, peach and cherry dying to be popped.  Introduce your pussy to his foreign delegates; they will be making a long-standing appearance in your regions for a while. So make them welcome and show you’re happy they’ve come to say hi. Show them a good time, make them warm and moist. He should react with a dance of the fingers in preparation for the big OH-ral. Allow him to show his moves, he’s only doing you a favour and as you’ve been so welcoming with your wet and trepid conditions he’ll be dying for dinner beneath the bridge. 

Make his stay a memorable one and bring out the party food, it is a celebration right? Start with some canapés, only a little nibble remember, so bring out the squirty cream and make him lick away to find the hidden surprise of cherries. Once he’s found them, make him pretend he’s trying to tie a knot with the cherry stalk on your clit. Not too fast, not too slow, he’s still got a five course meal to come so don’t peak too soon - you especially. 

Once he’s mastered the tongue-tying there’s no time to stop. It’s time to dive further south into the Grand Canyon with a chocolate-y mains of fond-u. You are the main appetiser filled with melted chocolate. Use your muff as a pot for dipping strawberries, marshmallows - and whatever else - licking and sucking the Cadbury’s out of you – N.B: not to be practised on a white sheet unless you want to look like you have lost control of your bowels overnight. Either invest in a waterproof sheet or stick to a wipe down surface such as the kitchen. By now he’s got to be pretty thirsty and as the number one hostess you must fulfil his needs, cool him down by providing his hot mouth with ice cubes. Obviously he needs to share so let him show his appreciation in a painting on your pussy, drawing his thank you with his tongue. The icy temperature will bring you close to boiling point, make sure he keeps topping his drink up with ice and be sure to leave him the dessert of desserts in his mouth. 

Guys just cannot get enough head; if they could they’d have you blowing their whistle every hour of the day. Sadly it’s the girls that need the little encouragement to jump ship and raise the flag without his eager hand pushing her head underwater. 

Allow his mind to do the hard work in getting him hard and head to the freezer to heat things up. Ice-lollies aren’t just for a sunny day; they’re the perfect phallic pretence needed to cool your flustered self. The “Jawbreaker” is the female equivalent to guys cherry tying ability and the human equivalent to a peacock spreading their feathers in an elaborate dance of “look at me!” It’s all about what you can do and the symbolic deeper meaning -yeah I am going all philosophical on your ass, and what? Choose your ice-lolly with caution; preferably one that actually does look like a dick. Screwballs don’t really work; make sure it’s something that is rock hard, juicy and not ten times bigger than his own little John. He needs to feel turned on not incredibly self-conscious about his size. Now simply enjoy the sweet delights of your Twister or rocket and show him how much you love it. Lick its stripes right round from the top to the bottom, take the whole thing in your mouth in one slow motion or nibble at the hundreds and thousands from behind a cheeky grin. The trick here is to make this ice-lolly dirty as fuck, you’re replicating each lick on him moments later and he needs to remember that. 

Now time to move on to his main course or perhaps I should say dessert; your very own banana split. This fruity classic is perfect on him as there’s no risk of a yeast infection coming back to haunt you two days down the line after too much sugar down there and the gravitational abilities when his kick stand is well and truly alert allows you to create the perfect dessert without any Sundae glasses or cutlery; easy clean up. The B-split allows your culinary creativity to really shine through - apple as much or as little whipped cream you wish to consume. Make sure the throbbing wand is covered to allow yourself the surprise when you find it. Decorate with chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, toffee sauce - hell even add hundreds and thousands or a flake in the top! N: B - despite the gravitational abilities earlier being on your side, remember the cream is not concrete and everything will head south into a messy slop fast, so if your eyes are bigger than your belly or you are a snail when it comes to eating don’t get ahead of yourself. You need to be cool, calm and in control. If you’re going to get worried about dairy on your sheets or that this breaks your diet you should stop being selfish and remember it’s his treat and maybe you need the calories you skinny bitch.

A warning for when bringing foods into the bedroom. Just like in the kitchen, food prep is essential to consuming. Foods that are intended for foreplay, sexplay or childsplay need careful washing - you don’t want any tropical spiders laying eggs inside your mini now do you? - and smoothing of any loose, rough or sharp areas. If you’re a paranoid stressed and terrified of a possible allergic reaction causing a mega rash then a lubed condom acts as your trusty shield in the battle. Make sure both of you have a sneaky shave pre-antics as sticky foods and pubic hair DO NOT work, sticky pubic hair and your tongue also DOES NOT work. Stick to clean-shaven as the best plate to enjoy your food from - nobody likes to find a bum pube in their teeth after lunch. Food sizes are important when inserting; think salami size rather cocktail sausage. Things get lost and things also rot, don’t leave any nasty presents behind in your behind. Last but not least, remember kids; oily and sugary foods should not be used below the belt during foreplay. Hopefully you’re all aware that oil breaks down the latex in condoms so what might be a sweet treat one evening could end up in the conceivement of your future offspring - whipped cream babies = gross. Not only that but the oil traps bacteria under the skin and causes a nasty irritant like that of the annoying friend that just turns up unwanted at every fun event like the biggest killjoy on the planet. Unwanted itches under the panties aren’t fun so avoid where possible. 

Now forget all these little negatives, get to it and play master chef on each other’s glands. Stick to red tomatoes no green peppers please! 

January 2011

Descriptive piece - My favourite pair of shoes

Six inches of pleasure; six inches of pain

She stood gazing down at me, a full set of pearly-whites grinning. She’d done this before. I didn’t care; I just knew I wanted her in an instant. The 6-inch clear Perspex heel enhanced her slender posture, creating curves in all the right places and elongated her bronzed legs to eternity. “Do you like the bows?” she questioned with innocence on her face, her index finger being nibbled between teeth. I looked down and felt a rush of blood run throughout my body, she leant over pointing out two black satin bows and I watched as my eyes uncontrollably followed her blood-red nails up the curve of her legs to the matching bow on her thigh. Fuck, she even had a garter on I thought. An animalistic instinct took over my mind and I stuttered and stumbled to give her a response. “They are incredible” I replied “But I don’t think you should take them off” I groaned as I pulled her on top of me and felt the point of the Perspex pierce my thigh. I fucking loved her shoes. 

January 2011

This is a feature i wrote in the style of Company magazine.

It’s not that easy being green

Recycling your ex; is it more complex than simply finding the right coloured box?

Saturday afternoon in your local Starbucks window and you will see tables of twenty-something women. Take a listen and you will hear them enthusiastically nod and chatter in agreement; this is the year of change they chant in unison - “out with the old and in with the new”. Green-fingered gremlins unite with the arrival of the New Year and the self-promise of recycling, organising and polishing up the aging, dusty elements of your life in a bid for happiness and positivity. With excessive and extravagant living a thing of the past, we are now encouraged to re-use and recycle the good whilst scrapping the useless wherever possible.  So in a bid to cut down your own carbon footprint it’s time to ask yourself - should you go green and recycle your ex-boyfriend?

Before our technologically baffling days of cyber-space (hard to imagine a time before the Facebook app right?), the chances of bumping into an ex-boyfriend were slim with the only risk being a rush-hour shoulder brush at Waterloo station or through a friend of a friend at a dinner party. The chance of hearing from them via the home phone was even slimmer (unless it was to raise questions about the itch he’d developed down there after that one experimental night two years ago.) Now, the risk of bumping into them is higher, and this time the virtual world is included with the ability to stumble across their Facebook profile, scour through tagged family photo’s from three Christmas’ ago thanks to your cousins’ lazy nature with her camera and view their daily ramblings and annoyances with the world on Twitter. A friend request or a casual text is never as scary or considered as big a deal as the face-to-face catch up. Not only that, but the realms of instant chat the virtual world offers is the dangerously addictive opportunity for you to stay in touch and both be aware of what you are looking for (God bless Facebook’s ‘interest section’).

So, is it a silly concept or very clever? A recent survey conducted by dating site It’s Just Lunch discovered that first impressions on the dreaded first date do count. Within half an hour, 66% of you have already decided if the person opposite is worth another date and 5% know immediately. The hassle and agonizing feeling of anticipation towards meeting and dating a string of “possible guys” on awkward first dates is eliminated with the concept of recycling. Not only that, but it also prevents that sinking feeling when after date number three, an oversized and over-excitable tongue has probed at your tonsils for the past hour and a half you decide it’s best to ditch him and put him in the ever-depressing list of “car crash write-offs”. 

Rosie, 22, a marine biologist from Manchester only has positive feelings toward recycling ex’s. “Me and Rob* were together for two years, we both moved away to university’s at different ends of the country. We didn’t hurt each other but knew that if we fully wanted to enjoy the university experience we had to let one another go. We had our three years of fun but never seemed to find anyone that measured up to what we had so decided to give it a go one more time after graduation. We’ve now been together for a year and couldn’t be happier.”

The positive benefits of the ex-boyfriend are always a temptation. There isn’t the need to spend time learning each other’s history. You have your own personal jokes and stories to laugh over, as well as knowing each other’s likes/dislikes and owning that ever-essential key to getting each other off in an instant. You know what to expect from him with no awkward first time or the possibility of a let down. Relationship expert and author of ‘The New Joy of Sex’, Susan Quilliam compiled a collection of pro’s and cons to first time sex with someone new. She believes for most women the first time will prove an anti-climax “It may be more passionate and wild but it is unlikely you will climax. Women generally need to feel safe to enjoy sex fully and a man you don’t know well-enough is unlikely to encourage this feeling.” She also raises the issue that most women fear - sleeping with someone new too soon leaving you questioning your own reputation. “He may feel you ‘put-out’ too soon and instantly lose respect for you” says Susan. “This can leave you feeling ashamed and upset, and with these feelings the relationship is unlikely to move forward.”

 “I know exactly what to expect with Sean*. When I’m down and in need of a confidence boost he’s there,” admits Hayley, 22, a hairdresser from Yorkshire. “He knows my past; he knows what I enjoy and how to put a smile on my face. I have gone back to Sean* twice, firstly as a safety net during a sex-drought for a one-off no-strings night. I suddenly remembered all the little things about him that made me smile; his laugh, the way he flicked his hair when he got embarrassed and how he remembered my favourite things. Before I knew it, we decided to give it another go and were in a relationship for 8 months again.” The temptation for one memorable night of passion and happiness created from your ex is easily overwhelming without the drama and frivolities of a relationship and the desire to simply live in the moment whilst enjoy each other’s company. Like most girls who suffer from confidence and trust issues, an ex-boyfriend can act as a warm comfort blanket; the fear of opening up and getting close to a new lover is void, making the idea of recycling seem as easy as taking your old magazine down to your local paper bank. 

One of the main downsides to recycling him can be old memories brought back that you cannot ignore or move on from. The illusion that the grass was always greener when you were together can be seen all to easily, making you believe you want to get back together, when in reality the lust and desire for each other can simply mask a history of nightmares. A study at Men’s Health found that 38% of men and 54% of women have indulged in a past partner. American sex and relationship expert Ian Kerner describes the reasons behind the desire for your ex as being similar to macaroni cheese. “It’s all about comfort dating, you’re hungry for sex and companionship and you think they might be too.” He believes romantic tension grows until you start dating or get together again, however it then fades instantly. “Most couples end up in a dangerous cycle and no one is able to move on.”

Not surprisingly, the main reasons behind your original breakup can easily become forgotten if you are back in the honeymoon period, having good sex without the boyfriend/girlfriend labels attached to it.  “As a rule, I think you should stay friends but keep them in the past” admits Andrea Bond, 23, a design engineer from Preston. “Usually you broke up for a reason, there’s always going to be baggage, emotions and issues that don’t really go away. Neither does the reason you broke up.” Disturbingly the top three reasons behind break-ups according to expert author Rahul Talwar are boredom, partners proving unsupportive and being selfish with cheating coming in at a surprising number 4. These reasons are all problems that can indeed be worked on by you and your partner, however at the same time can also be a massive turn-off if you or him didn’t feel challenged in the relationship and preferred concentrating on the episode of Eastenders rather than his wandering hands. It can indeed be hard to work on each other’s flaws to make the relationship a working two-way commitment with an equal amount of give or take.

The boundaries between the past and what is actually happening (or isn’t happening) can easily become blurred if you both have different expectations. You can be lead to confusion with where you both are with each other; are you single/friends/sex buddies/boyfriend and girlfriend again? Alice, 20, a student from London remembers the confusion and heartache when re-dating her ex-boyfriend. “I was so happy at the beginning, but then I realised we both wanted different things. He wasn’t ready for full-commitment after we broke up and I was still too into him to let him go. It ended up being 6 months of casual sex, confusion and a constant comparison in my mind to how much better things where when we actually were boyfriend and girlfriend.” This is an all too-common problem where exes purely see it as a simple ladder to no-strings fun, it is important to be clear from the beginning what you both want and to make sure you are careful to not let yourself get hurt. It’s time to decide if he’s best left to turn to compost in the bottom of your green wheelie-bin or worth being lifted out and rescued one more time.

January 2011

Descriptive piece - Faceplant

 Oh here she comes again, same time every Monday I feel her stumble and wobble over me as she attempts to make it home in one piece. The shoes change each week, the state she’s in remains the same. Tonight she decides to embrace me with a welcome hug, I see her eyes light up as the front door is in her sight, ‘almost there’ she thinks ‘you can do this’ she utters to herself, but all too soon. I catch her left foot on my smooth bumps sending her into a tumble, slowly spiralling she tries with all her vodka-fused might to catch herself, stop herself, god at least stop the cars going past see her knickers. It’s too late, face first she kisses my tarmac cheek, she really had missed me whilst giving a good friend of mine the Vauxhall Astra a 60 second peep show. 

December 2010

Club Tropicana – the drinks are free!      

Temperatures are rising so take your mind, body and soul away to a tropical island this Spring/Summer with the catwalks being awash with tropical prints. There was no shady escape from the bright delights with oversized palm-prints at Dior to Prada’s banana prints looking good enough to eat.

 Stella McCartney kept your juices flowing with a silk halter-neck wrap dress printed with oversized citrus-fruits; lemons, grapefruits and limes. Slashed to the thigh with a bare back, it kept just enough skin on show to act as the perfect cover up taking you from poolside to bar side, the only accessory needed – a mojito. Legs and shoulders were the essential bare-all this season for McCartney, with satin trains keeping the look sophisticatedly chic with enough sex appeal and skin-on-show to tan.

 Imagine a driftwood beach-house set in the ‘50’s, with showbiz-glossy vampy-floozies coming out to play with the Sailors. Galliano dressed his ladies in an explosion of colour; Hawaiian-print halter dresses were seen in every shade of lime to aubergine and tangerine. Floral-bandeau dresses were given a hula-girl twist with ruffled candy-pink hula lei necklaces draping bare necks. Uncovered legs were accessorized with feathered sandals criss-crossing up the calf in turquoise, canary yellow and hot pink. With the collection inspired by “South Pacific”, Joan Crawford curls and full-blunt fringes were an essential on this island of fantasy and excess, lips were kept bold and bright in shocking pinks whilst he protected their delicate faces from the heat with oversized cat-eye shades. “I’m channeling Marlin Brando in ‘Mutiny On The Bounty’, taking nautical sailor inspirations and contrasting them with the beautiful romance of Polynesian women” Galliano tells Style.com backstage from the Paris show.

 Miuccia Prada caused a rumble in the jungle with her playful banana print taking a bold, glamorous edge. Loose-fitting relaxed shirts cluttered with bananas clashed with vibrant knee-length ruffle-hem skirts resembling baroque fruit-bowls. Radioactive striped heeled deck-shoes thundered down the runway creating a tropical storm, protected by oversized striped-sombreros in citrus yellows, orange and greens. Spaghetti-strapped shift dresses were animated with yet more embroidered bananas and colourful monkeys.

Californian sunsets are the glamorous backdrop for House of Holland’s poolside babes. Large banana-leaf prints decorated the torso covering shift-maxi dresses, belted blazers and knee-length swing skirts in shades of lavender, mint and turquoise. Relaxed curls and excessive-fringing dialed the heat to another level, requiring an umbrella-topped drink and face covering shades. You may be hesitant at choosing to spend your annual two-week holiday building sandcastles in a Cornish seaside town instead of surfing the sunny coast of California. But with British ‘staycations’ rising 7% since the recession and proving evermore popular, bringing your tropic-fever prints a-la Stella McCartney to a Bognor Regis beach break has never been so desirable.  

December 2010

Descriptive piece - Lady Gaga

Recipe for the Fame Monster:

3 drops of a Bad Romance

1,001 eager Paparazzi

6 extravagant rainbow-coloured wigs

5 Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra’s

1 bottle of peroxide

4 Diet Coke can rollers

1 pair of Alexander McQueen Armadillo’s

2 tablespoons of passion

160oz freshly cut rib-eye steak

7,112,967 grains of Little Monsters

22 home made songs, written from scratch

Firstly, take 22 home-made songs (matured over 8-10 years) and mix with 2 tablespoons of passion and 3 drops of a Bad Romance. Whilst stirring clockwise, pour 50ml of peroxide until white and smooth.

Secondly, chop the extravagant wigs until fine and weave the Diet Coke cans until bouncy. Beat the Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra’s until fluffy and add all to the mixture.

Blend the Little Monsters and Paparazzi together and sprinkle on-top of the mixture. Bake for 3 years, gas mark 6 until golden and leave to cool. Decorate with Alexander McQueen Armadillo’s and ice the top with rib-eye steak for an eye-popping result. 

November 2010

Givenchy S/S’11 catwalk report

King night.

How do you incorporate heavy portions of futuristic Gothicism into a S/S collection? Roberto Tisci’s for Givenchy successfully transports the audience into new realms of a perverse androgynous romance; flirting with the boundaries of strength and seduction. 

Simplicity was key in Tisci’s affair; he opened against a plain white wall with models in monochrome colour blocks propelling across the stage with a reckoning force to the eerie quails of Salem. Focusing on a “wardrobe for the woman who plays with masculinity”, Tisci layered razor-sharp tailoringin bold oppositions to create defined striking silhouettes. Clean white sleeveless jackets were placed over black blazers and paired with boot-cut trousers. The polar opposites continued to the model’s hair with long black tousled plaits up against ash-blonde crops. Fierce faces were kept simple with block lips in the darkest shades of cheery-red allowing the prints and silhouettes to do all the talking.

Details were limited to silver zips sporadically sewn onto pockets, collars, sleeves and every visible seam in sight. Snaking around the body with an uncontrollable grasp, they fight for authority over the models limbs in a futuristic power-hungry relationship. Legs were swathed in ebony-black maxi-length chiffon. Whether bare underneath miniskirts or hidden under trousers, there was no escaping the grasps of the flowing fabric. Crudely low-slung palazzo trousers allowed bare stomachs to be visible through sheer cut-out panels on tunics tops.

As hinted in his playful wearable-mask invitations, Tisci’s wild-spirit gradually erupted with small sections of leopard print evolving into a sea of head-to-toe print. The spots varied from small to oversized, white to green, bringing the wild streak out in simple V-neck blouses whilst showing who the big cats were in elaborate flared jumpsuits. “I have an obsession every season and this season it is leopard. When I love a theme, I work it.” And work it he certainly did.

Body-skimming structures fought hard against billowing delicate fabrics in a fierce display of tough-love. Gothic biker looks with zips were toned down with lace-printed trousers, jackets and coats. This combination of strong against the weak was a recurring theme with pretty details kept fierce – strips of leather were used to create Edwardian-style high-neck ruffles, bringing a sadomasochistic twist to his look. Bondage-style harness straps where used to cage the body, visible under black floor-grazing chiffon capes. 

The front-row was kept just as fierce as the collection with hard-edged celebrities such as Courtney Love, Ronnie Wood, Beatrice Dalle and Justin Timberlake showing desires in this twisted romance. Tisci let’s us embrace our inner-animalistic desires this season thanks to his infatuation with spots in the darkest and most seductive forms of glamour. Relish in your darkest fetishistic fantasies through seductive details camouflaged for the everyday by power dressing – the perfect combination of Roberto Tisci’s creativity and practicality.

October 2010

Descriptive Piece - The George and Dragon Pub

“The dream of a nightmare”

Street lamps desperately try to creep inside the dusty wooden floor as the chipped red-wooden door swings open to welcome a skinny curly-haired boy, drowning in the comfort of his black hood. His eyes widen in horror as his head slowly turns, taking in the bazaar collectables littering the walls, what has he let himself in for? He hurries over to a mahogany booth avoiding any form of eye-contact with the peculiar monsters behind the bar. It’s too late; he gasps in horror as the horses head on the wall winks at him, his actions speak louder than a thousand words ever could, and the wild-gypsy behind the bar smirks in excitement. The boy shuts his eyes in a desperate attempt to believe he’s dreaming, but he’s not. The stuffed flock of seagulls hanging above his head swoop down, paper cut-out legs slowly march towards him with their army of limb-less teddy bears, dolls and clowns ready to pull him into the depths of the underworld. Wake up Sonny - you’re in Shoreditch.